Buddhism and Individualism are two schools of thought that primarily influenced how I think and act. And I thank these two for always pushing me to face day to day hostilities. These two as well, along with my experiences, made me realized that it is only myself whom I can depend on..
Long gone was the girl wishing she has a better family, more friends and a lover who will never leave her side to make her life less worrisome. Back when I was younger, I would get envious of my friends having parents and siblings who always stay by their side. Parents who would always understand and accept all their children’s shortcomings. Siblings whom they grew up with and shared mundane yet fun stories. I always look at how my friends and their family get along well and how their parents deal when something negative occurs. Perhaps because for me, I grew up being afraid of committing a mistake or failing as I might lose the little love I get from my family. Do not get me wrong, as my family provides me financial things and a bit of moral support and I am beyond grateful for that. It was just that, I was too immature not to embrace that I cannot have my ideal version of family to think I am and will never be an ideal daughter either. Accepting things as they are eases the burden. Certain things exists because of a purpose.
Quantity has always been the basis of having friends back during my academic years. The more friends you have, the more you will not feel alone was my mantra. But as I grow up, I learned that feeling solitary is not a bad thing. I used to be always surrounded by a lot of people back then, but now, I would even go out for lunch with one friend whom I have a special connection with or even alone. Yet, I do not feel that something lacks in me. I just think that people are all busy now chasing their dreams and keeping up with real life like I do. Yet that does not mean connections from the past are totally forgotten. We just make room for other things to come.
I tweeted this statement months ago, “Ours is not a love about a mouthful of forevers, but of happy fragile realities.” Forever is an unrealistic time frame and people come and go. It is not because of your attitude or mistakes. But because people grow apart and that is one thing I always put into mind in building a relationship. I cannot always hope for same giddy things to happen all the time. Consistency is too much to ask. Like all crises, all happy feelings are bound to last too and so is the relationship you have now. All we need to think is that we are not less of who we are without the one we love. Our lovers only complement us, but not define who we are.
Being in my early twenties seems to be the most difficult time of my life as everything seems changing with too much suddenness. I am torn between career options that will stabilize my future and impractical passions I want to pursue that will concretize my spiritual contentment and everything else in between. I would think that I am experiencing quarter life crisis but whatever it is, I try to survive day by day. There would be times that I just want to break down because it is too much for me to take or forcefully fuck up my life and wait for a person who cares to rebuild it. Running away and restarting a new life in a different place appeals to me as well. But most of time, I yearn to cry on my mother’s lap like a five year old kid because I am not strong enough.
However, reality slapped me that I will not find solace even with the dearest people I live with as their arms will not willingly take me all the time. It was painful. It was worse than a heartbreak, but such is life.
Hence, it may be an epiphany that as a grown up individual, it is only yourself whom can nurse your broken soul or your confused mind. You have to be strong enough to stand for yourself even though you are in the midst of falling apart. Because at the end of the day, the only person who can always be with you until you die, is yourself. Everyone will leave you, but not your spirit, your heart and your will.
P.S. So when times seem unbearable, I would think of Howard Roark and how he was able to succeed without anything in the beginning but just his infinitesimal passion for his craft. I really want to be like him. He is my life peg. Lol.
Why do police have quotas? If a doctor went around intentionally sneezing on people to get more patients, that would be seen as a travesty to their profession. But police, can sit around and wait for someone to turn on a red light or commit other mundane ‘offenses’ because they have quotas to meet. Quotas are all the proof we need that policing is not a public service vocation; it’s a business and a subsidiary of Wall Street.
While I was sleeping, this went viral.
The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and how he treats people who can’t fight back.(via goodlifequote)
I always believe in this.
I would rather read a mediocre book than waste time sitting around with people making small talk.James D. Sass, Essays in Satanism (via thegirlandherbooks)
Personally I am very pessimistic. But when, for instance, one of my staff has a baby you can’t help but bless them for a good future. Because I can’t tell that child, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t have come into this life.’ And yet I know the world is heading in a bad direction. So with those conflicting thoughts in mind, I think about what kind of films I should be making.Hayao Miyazaki (via observando)
Inspiration fires you up; motivation keeps you burning.Stuart Aken (via observando)
Why should I apologize for the monster I’ve become? No one ever apologized for making me this way.(via verschluesselt)
vintage interior concept 📻
Feelings fade. People change. Consistency is too much to ask.
All that glum ☔️
Life is for deep kisses, strange adventures, midnight swims and rambling conversations 😘
Hola! I am in love with cinema, literature, aesthetics and liberty.
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